The Fresh Consul of New Eden

Not content to merely parody a Christmas poem, I hunger to take Firefall and cram it into other pop culture references, with as much elegance as my lexicon allows. I do enjoy a challenge and I found one in relating one of the major characters in the Firefall story, Admiral/Consul Nostromo, with the opening theme to Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I like to consider myself a wordsmith. My profession involves precise communication, but it is not purely devoted to the task of literary excogitation (oh man, I'm dropping "teh rhymez" already). So, you could say I'm somewhere between an Apprentice and Journeyman level of wordsmithery.

Now, mind you, this isn't the full version of the song by Will Smith. Just the TV theme version. The quantity and pacing of available lore fit well with the progression of the theme. This process, much like any other machine, works best when properly lubricated. I'd like to give credit to my good friend Samuel Adams who served as my creative collaborator in the process.

Without further ado:

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The Fresh Consul of New Eden
A parody by Cuculainn

Now, this is the story all about how
My life got flip-turned upside down,
And I’d like to take a minute
Just chill your keyboard
I’ll tell you how I became the Consul of the Accord

In Athens, Greece, born and raised
Over in London spendin' holidays
Chillin’ out, relaxin real cool and all
And out of deep space came the Firefall
When a bunch of Russians
They were up to no good
Started makin’ trouble in my neighborhood
I got in on the fight and the Russkies got scared
They said
The Crystite’s yours if our lives be spared

 I rose to Admiral, assigned a ship, the Arclight
Startin' the maiden voyage and somethin' ain't right
If anything this ship can bend space and time
But I thought 'Nah, forget it' - 'Yo, on to Alpha Prime!'

We dropped back toward Earth, surging from the portal
And I yelled to the crew 'Yo bring 'er down in Fortaleza!'
As the Melding's takin' Earth
I survived with the reward
To lead humanity as Consul of the Accord
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And with that, I take a humble bow so I may figure out what other pop culture specimens I can systematically butcher and reassemble into my next etymological Frankenstein. Drink up me hearties and I'll see you in New Eden.

Sláinte
-WF aka Cuculainn